Just Plain Funnies 2019/2020

General The Pub
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Eighty-five year old Miss Bea, the church organist, had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness, and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his surprise and shock. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped, or something.

When she returned with tea, and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and it’s strange contents. but soon it got the better of him, and he could no longer resist. Pointing to the bowl, he asked, “Miss Bea, I wonder if you would tell me about this.”

“Oh yes”, she replied, “Isn’t it just wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven’t had a cold all winter!”

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m0139

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20 Best One-Liner Jokes.

  1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.

  3. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

  4. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

  5. People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

  6. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

  7. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

  8. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

  9. I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.

  10. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”

  11. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

  12. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

  13. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.

  14. I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

  15. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

  16. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

  17. People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.

  18. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

  19. Whiteboards are remarkable.

  20. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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  1. A baby seal walks into a club.
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& asks for a Canadian Club on the rocks

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Laughs for all, no emojis again.

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BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In
his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining
what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s (2016?) Criminal Lawyers Awards contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA . . .

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Oh yes @Sprkslfly, oh yes 


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Smirk
hahahahahah to funny =)

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pearls_abbotncos_band

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Before there was a Roomba


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#CatsRule 


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F

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Yep, he likes playing slots with me
he is good luck!

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image

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Not your regular memes or jokes 
 but damned funny what some people do out there away from their keyboards

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I wouldn’t say my wife is ugly but years of chewing tobacco has discolored her tooth.

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@anon44012888’s wife actually invented the toothbrush anyone else would have called it a teethbrush

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I really enjoy the DashVapes videos!

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