Great write up! Would it help soothe your (not so much)troubled senses if I told you that the leather accent is more likely to be bovine in origin rather than fowl? There's a whole market of faux-leathers out there that mimic exotic hides like ostrich and alligator(to name two) but are made from the hides of Bessie rather than Big Bird.
At any rate, it was quite the amusing read. Cheers!