Wow, thank you, my friends. I am at a loss for words, a rare thing they say.
@BoDarc I’m gonna implement that right away. The savings part is good. I have tried to bribe the boy but when your mom buys you whatever you want…
To clear up a bit of confusion; The boy is my nephew. When he was 2 my mom’s husband died and my mom and I and my sister and my nephew all decided to cut the bills into thirds and I have been a “father figure” or male role model. He is sure to let me know I am not is a dad for which I reply that he is very lucky that I am not because I would tan his hidel
I find it amazing how I revert back to my dad in times of stress and let me tell you, the kid can push my buttons like nobody else. I remember being proud of myself for learning patience and understanding and that I have become slow to anger. I now realize that all I did was not put myself in stressful situations and adopted a give a shit attitude. I do believe I should not have prayed for wisdom. That happens to be the one prayer that likes to be answered.
Trials and heartaches, tribulations and headaches. These are a few of the joys of parenthood. They do grow older and they might even grow up. Just love them and always keep the lines of communication going.
We have 5 daughters and from what I hear, girls are meant to be harder. Certainly had our ups and downs but our youngest is now 27, eldest 35, and they are all amazing women in their own ways.
Perhaps something a little more fundamental, like work for food.
Unfortunately, kids don’t come with instructions (or a return address). Some phases require just waiting them out, for they normally pass. Don’t let him know that his button pushing is having any affect. It sounds like he’s testing the (your) limits. Don’t feed the beast, so to speak.
You have one very important thing going for you, Dan. You give a damn, and you’re trying to figure it out. There are a lot of parents / guardians out there that would slap him around, and then tell him to get you another beer.
I grew up in an abusive environment. My father was a Christian man, loved by the community and his church but behind closed doors he was a monster. He came home at night and beat his wife and kids and was verbally abusive. He died early of a heart attack and I never shed a tear at his funeral. Figured we were all better off.
I say that to say this… be a man of integrity. The most you can do is live that out in front of your nephew. Do what you say and say what you do. Regardless, each child is different in how they will “turn out.” I have seen some kids living in the worst of homes turn out to be something great and those in the best of end up in prison. Every child is unique in how they respond to their environment. There are no guarantees.
But if the worst you are dealing with right now is introverted behavior or he doesn’t wanna go outside, I’d say you’re doin ok. At his age I was finding every excuse not to be at home.
Being the best you can be for him is the best you can do and in the end you will gain his respect.
@Dan_the_Man I never got a response to my question before, but that’s ok. With so many replies and good advice, not to mention the sincerity put out here by everyone, sharing what I have learned as a parent would be kind of old news at this point.
My bad bro. I thought you asked if he was my son. To answer your question; here it is.
We all live together and the only time I discipline him is when he talks back to the women. His grandma and his mom. I seem to ignore more than is healthy.
I didn’t know that. To bad our little group never really took off, maybe we would have talked about it or maybe not. I know how you feel when it comes to hypocrites or wolves in sheep clothing. I actually went to seminary and was a minister for 15 years or so and a big factor in my decision to “leave the church” were people like your… biological father. It’s sad and disgusting that people like that thrive in the church and I am sure if you would have said something to the “pastor” or an elder they would not have believed you and would have told him what you said and it would have been worse.
I don’t know about you but I totally stopped believing.
Combat soldiers describe combat as 98% excruciating boredom and 2% sheer terror. I liken being a parent as 95% pain-in-the-assedness and 5% joy.
I have two boys, 15 and 12. I’ve found that doing physical activities with them works. We bike, swim and hike together. However, they need me to get them to do it. Left to themselves they can sit on their asses all day. I just accept it.
Here’s something I do with my boys. There’s an app called 7 minute Workout. Most of the routines can be done in less time. I sell it to my boys emphasizing the small time investment with a decent physical return. I think it’s a great place to start. You do have to supervise and it’s better if you do it with them.
Funny thing is, he was an elder. I believe now he was sincere in his faith but he had anger issues. Maybe from the war. IDK. But as a kid you only understand what’s happening in the present moment.
Yeah, I still believe. Can’t allow other people’s mistakes to take that away. And you being a former pastor , I hope that you don’t totally abandon it. I just think organized religion can totally mess a lot of people up along with life’s disappointments…
Sometimes faith doesn’t have to be attached to a particular religion. You strike me as a man of strong faith. How else could you have come this far? And having faith opens your heart to others just like you did here. You’re a great guy, Dan, if ya don’t mind me saying so.
@Dan_the_Man Funny coincidence? I get daily quotes in my inbox and I just opened this one:
September 29
Faith, which at first glance may appear weak, is actually the most powerful force in the world. Many people put on a show of being strong, but true strength has nothing to do with appearances. On the contrary, we usually find that the weaker the individual, the greater his or her bravado or outward display of strength.
I have a similar experience with my Christian? family. It’s really sad that the place where you should be safe is full of wolves indeed.
Wolves that are never really looked at suspiciously for the simple reason that they are members of the church and must therefore be ok.
Me too, that and the promise that if I was a good girl I would be allowed to sit on a footstool at Jesus’s feet for everrrrr
That seemed like a punishment to me and not very joyful.
All joking aside, I realised at some point that they are the ones who don’t believe. If you think you can get away with shit behind closed doors and curtains, you don’t believe in an all seeing God.
Like @muth I don’t believe in organised religion, that’s a manmade thing and makes no sense whatsoever.
But, there’s definitely more in the Universe than we can see or understand.
As for you nephew, @Mew already said it, you teach by example. It doesn’t matter what you say, it’s what you do in front of them that counts the most.
I’ve met plenty of parents who were complaining about their kids only wanting to wear brand clothing, asking me why I didn’t have that problem with my kids.
“I’ve told them a 1000 times that it is not important what you wear, it’s who you are that counts”
One look at those parents told the whole story, logos from top to bottom
I did tell my kids that if you are an asshole and you wear nikes, you’re an asshole on nikes. That’s a nice thing to say, but doesn’t work if you’re wearing them when you say it.
You come across as a very nice guy. Your nephew seems to have a caring family around him (lucky bastard ), he’ll be fine
Good morning Josephine I couldn’t help but answer to your story. I was born into a Catholic family and went to catechism classes when I was a very young girl. Catechism is “a series of questions and answers”. Although that was not my experience. When I asked my questions the nun gave me dirty looks because she couldn’t answer them. One day I witnessed a little boy getting walloped with a yardstick by a nun. That’s the day I wore pants to class because it was cold out. She reprimanded me for wearing pants and made me lay my wool scarf over my lap to cover them Then she reprimanded a girl for not keeping her legs together because you could see up her skirt. That’s when I saw my opportunity and piped up with, “If you can see up a girl’s skirt then wouldn’t it be better if she wore pants?” “I can give her my scarf to cover her skirt.” Oh, she did not like that. I figured I better shut up or I’d be next with the yardstick.
That day left me so confused and frustrated because nothing made sense. It’s no wonder that I left the Catholic church.
If you want to hear more Catholic stories I have loads including my father’s classics from the time he was banished from public school to Catholic school and forced to be an altar boy. My father never said so but if you read between the lines I think he may have been sexually abused by the priest. I know that my maternal grandfather was.
Bring em on! I suggest you create a new topic for that, poor @Dan_the_Man’s topic is going to shit
On second thought, 12 year olds and Catholic priests… mwah
Sorry for laughing about this peeps. I’ve learned to laugh about my own misery.
I would’ve never survived if I hadn’t, but it also means I have no problem laughing about somebody else’s shit.
12 yrs old…oh yes, that’s when I received Confirmation. That’s another one. You’re right, this topic should be moved. I bet there are others with stories (and maybe not so nice). Do you know how to move these posts? I suppose they could just be copied to a new thread. Any suggestions for a thread title and which category? I wouldn’t want to traumatize anyone? NSFW?
I couldn’t help but answer to your story. I was born into a Catholic family and went to catechism classes when I was a very young girl. Catechism is “a series of questions and answers”. Although that was not my experience. When I asked my questions the nun gave me dirty looks because she couldn’t answer them. One day I witnessed a little boy getting walloped with a yardstick by a nun. That’s the day I wore pants to class because it was cold out. She reprimanded me for wearing pants and made me lay my wool scarf over my lap to cover them 
Then she reprimanded a girl for not keeping her legs together because you could see up her skirt. That’s when I saw my opportunity and piped up with, “If you can see up a girl’s skirt then wouldn’t it be better if she wore pants?” “I can give her my scarf to cover her skirt.” Oh, she did not like that. I figured I better shut up or I’d be next with the yardstick.
