An Elderly man is stopped by police officer at 2:00am. The officer asks him “Where are you going this time of night?”
The elderly man replies “I am on my way to hear a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer asks the man “Really? Who is giving a lecture this time of night?”
The man replies “That would be my wife.”
Post some good jokes. I am in the mood for a laugh!
She told me we couldn’t afford beer any more and I would have to quit.
Then yesterday I caught her spending $65 on makeup.
So I asked her why I had to give up the things I enjoy and she didn’t
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that is what the beer is for.
I don’t think she’s coming back.
What do you call a hundred nun’s in a shop?
Virgin megastore’s.
A guy is sitting at the bar, having a beer, and in walks a pirate captain and sits down right next to the
guy, and orders a rum.
The pirate captain is the real deal, peg leg, a hook, and a patch over his eye. The guy can’t get
over it, a real pirate, sitting right next to him. He can’t help himself, and asks the pirate,
“What happened to your leg?”
The captain looked at him and said, 'Aye, fell overboard, and a shark ate it off, mate”
“Wow, that’s terrible!” the guy says… “What about your hook? What happened to your hand?”
The captain says, “We was boarded by Spanyards. Arrgghh, musta been a hundred of ‘em. Sabres flyin’, muskets firin’. One o’ them Spanyards cut me hand off!’
“Oh my God”’ the guy says… “That’s the wildest thing I’ve ever heard! I have to ask… what
about your eye, what happened?”
‘Aye mate’, the pirate said… ‘I was lookin’ up, and a seagull crapped in it”
“Whaaaaat?” the guy asks…'A seagull crapped in it, and put your eye out?..Come on”
“Aye mate, first day with me new hook"
Robot Chicken did a take on my favorite pirate joke:
I told my wife that when I die I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smoking hot body 
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me, “Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. OK. There are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second of all, if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be YOUR fault?
AMEN Brother!!!
What the hell man? Why hasn’t this thread taken off? So I was about to start a new thread called The ELR Fun-time Video Sharing Picture Swapping Joke Thread but did a search first and found this one.
I think we all need to engage in some fun stuff. Especially in light of recent events. So anyway, here’s my contribution for the day.
Laughter can help relieve tension in even the heaviest of matters. Allen Klein
What’s the difference between a Frog and a Horny Toad ?
The Frog says ( Rib it Rib it )
The Horny Toad says ( Rub it Rub it )
hahaha that fake robbery by Hanks Saloon is in Bklyn by me…not a good idea…whoever that guy was is hopefully still breathing lol
A guy walks into a whore house and tells the madam he’s wants a girl that will let him lick her belly button, the Madam says she has just the girl for him he pays goes into the room and this girl comes they have a drink talk for a moment then get down to business. The guy is licking away at her belly button when he feel something on his tongue he pulls it out and there is something on it. He wipes it off and goes back at it feels something again pulls it out and it’s green he wipes it off and goes back to a short time later he feels something else pulls his tongue out of her belly button and looks at what’s on his tongue and it’s a kernel of corn, he say I think I’m gonna puke. Hmmmm says the girl that’s just what the last guy said.
A guy walks into the bar and has some drinks and is there for a few hours.
Another guy comes and sits next to him.
The first guy who has been there for a while looks at the man and says to him, “You know that there is a nice breeze outside and if you jump out it will blow you right back in.”
The second guy doesn’t agree and tells him to prove it. So, the first guy jumps out the window and comes soaring right back in.
The second guy asks him to do it one more time. So, the first guy jumps out and the nice breeze takes him right back into the bar.
At this time the second guy is starting to believe him and decides he needs to try this. He then jumps out and falls down to his death.
The bartender turns to the first guy and says, “Superman, your an asshole when your drunk!!”
Why is Superman NOT good in bed ?
Answer = He’s faster than a speeding bullet
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
What do you call a bear with no teeth
Come on no guesses