A guy walks into a bar about 7:00 and it’s almost vacant. He sits orders a beer and notices a bird behind the counter. When the bartender brings his beer he asks where is everybody, the bartender says it really doesn’t start getting busy till around 10, what kind a bird is that? It’s a Cockatoo Oh OK drinks his beer pays and leaves about 8 the same guy comes in orders a beer and when the bartender brings it asks Where is everybody? The bartender replies like I told ya earlier it doesn’t start getting busy till about 10, What kind of bird is that? It’s a Cockatoo. Oh OK he replies drinks his beer and leaves. About 9 the same guy comes orders a beer When the bartender brings it he asks where is everybody? the bartender replies a little angry at this point Like I told ya we don’t start getting busy till about 10, What Kind of bird is that A COCKATOO A COCKATOO A COCKATOO! To which the guy replies yeah and if ya had a cunt or two in here you’d get more business.
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him, and pitch to the rhino…
Without nipples, titties are pointless.
hmmmmm…
Well damn Benedict, if you’re going to do it might as well do it right and throw that wrist action in there! Bad form homie! 
brilliant lmao
Let me see if I can bring this down to a whole new level!
Ladies and Gentlemen you have been warned…
A nurses aid was giving a sponge bath to a woman who has been in a coma for six months.
As the nurse is cleaning around her inner thigh’s she notices her heart rate pic up on the monitor and runs and get the doctor.
The doctor comes in and the aid starts sponging around her ankles and when she gets near the crotch the monitor slowly increases, beep…beep…beep…
The doctor calls in the husband the next day and tells him about the discovery and tells the husband he would like for him to have oral sex and see if maybe this would snap her out of her coma.
The husband says that he would do anything to help his wife but that sounds crazy and he couldn’t do that with an audience.The doctor said he admitted that no scientific evidence has ever shown this to help but he knows what he witnessed was real.He also told the husband that no one will be in the room , we can monitor your wife from the nurses station.
The husband reluctantly agreed and the nurses get everything set up and leave.The doc tells the husband he can start anytime and closes the door leaving the man alone with his wife.
About five minutes go by and slowly her heart rate is starting to increase , beep…beep… beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep…beep.beep.beep.beep.beep.beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The doctor rushes out of the nurses station to the wife’s room as he reached for the door knob the man was coming out with a terrified look on his face!
The doctor asked the husband “What Happened!?”
The husband replied “I don’t know but I think she must have choked.”
A Rabbi, a Catholic priest, a horse and a Monk all walk into a bar together.
The bartender looks at the incoming crowd and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
Nelly the the most naïve nurses aid in the hospital is given the chore of sponge bathing Mr. Wilson. After about 5 minutes she rushes out of the room and runs into the Nurse Jones the surgery ward floozy. Oh my Gawd she grabs by the arm obviously very shaken What is it what’s wrong the nurse asks her. Nelly turns bright red and and says that Mr. Wilson Has the word SWAN tattooed on his penis. Seeing her chance Nurse Jones says let me go in and take care of this. She enters the room and closes the door after about 20 minutes she comes out her hair a mess uniform all wrinkled, and lipstick smudged, Nelly grabs her by the arm I was right wasn’t I It says SWAN on it doesn’t it. Nurse Jones replies oh honey you’ve never been more wrong, He’s Canadian, it’s where he’s from Saskatchewan.
OK folks picture this, it’s the late 21st century there has been a massive world war and the planet is trying to rebuild and repopulate. By Presidential decree all married women shall have at least one child by the time they are in their 3rd year of marriage. Those that don’t will receive the benefits of a Government “Specialist” Mr and Mrs Jones have been wildly trying to accomplish the deed since the end of the first year with no success. On the day the “specialist” is scheduled to arrive Jones readies himself for work with a depressed look on his face and obviously very depressed. He kisses his wife on the cheek as he leaves for the office. Mrs. Jones on the other hand feels butterflies and is kind of excited about the whole thing. She pretties herself dabs a little perfume behind her ears and is humming as she nervously prattles around the house the doorbell rings, she takes a sip of tea trying to steady the giddiness she feels. She opens the door and nobody is there all of a sudden she hears somebody clearing their throat, looks down and on her doorstep is a man with no arms or legs. She stutters and stammers around b b b ut how? The man replies I rang the bell didn’t I?
Dave comes home from the pub, drunkest he’s been in a long time, and collapses into bed next to his sleeping wife. Later, he’s woken by a brilliant flash of light at the end of his bed, which his still sleeping wife seems oblivious to. St. Peter appears in all his glory, standing over the two of them.
“You have died my son, of alcohol poisoning” says St. Peter. Dave is obviously distraught and begs and pleads with the saint to be given another chance at life.
“Well…” says St. Peter, thumbing through his saintly handbook, “There is a little known rule which might help. Apparently you can be reincarnated in special circumstances if you wish, but only as a dog or as a chicken I’m afraid…” Dave, living next door to a chicken farm, agrees to be reincarnated as a chicken, at least so he can still see his wife.
BOOM, the man is suddenly now a chicken, pecking around the chicken farm. A rooster approaches him and says “Hey! You must be the new arrival here! How’s everything going?” “Pretty good” says Dave, “though my stomach feels a bit funny…” “Well you’re obviously about to lay an egg! Give it a try; push one out!” So Dave wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and out pops a nice egg!
“That felt great!” thinks Dave, “I think I’ll lay another one!” So again he wriggles and squirms and wriggles and squirms and then !!BANG!! His wife angrily slaps him on the back of his head and screams in a rage: “For Pete’s sake David!! You’ve shit the bed again!!!”