How did it feel?

General The Pub
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Just wondering if anyone has ever had a spouse/GF/SO who, when asked by their partner to have a look at their cell phone, and they flat out refused.

Or…they agreed to hand it over but only after erasing messages they didn’t want seen by you. How would it make you feel? What did you do or have you done? Trust and transparency are the issues for me.

The topic of privacy does not factor in, at least in this tread. I’ll share my story a little later depending on responses but let’s hear yours!

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Are you saying that someone’s phone should be totally accessible to another, at any time? That I could say to my wife, hand over your phone, I want to look at what you’ve been up to?

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my wife can look at mine any time she wants. i don’t care to look at hers.

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I’d need more context. Was the spouse asked with suspicion in the air? Was it as simple as one’s phone was across the house and wanted to use the spouse’s phone to look up the weather forecast?

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I know all the passwords for every single device and app in my house. My wife and two teenage daughters know the passwords to our phones.

I have never once even had the slightest urge to look at anyone’s private ‘stuff’. I wish they’d stop throwing their phones at me to look at their crap.

The privacy app du jour would have to be Snapchat where messages/photos automagically disappear. My 15 year old shows me snaps from Grade 10 kids selling knives, weed, SIM cards, etc. To students asking for test answers during a test.

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6

I must have started a response 50 times by now and if I had pen and paper I would be playing garbage can basketball.
I decided just to tell it without adding to much of my personal beliefs though, I’m not sure they can be separated.

I grabbed my girls phone because mine was elsewhere and I needed to use it for what ever reason and she snatched it back so fast it went flying and after we stopped laughing she picked it up, did some stuff and handed it to me. When I asked her about it she was vague and told me something I didn’t quite believe but I trust her and didn’t think about it again.
Why did she snatch her phone like that? She was researching a present. BTW the present was AWESOME with thought and love put into it.

This scenario could have gone several different ways. Has she been acting different or suspicious all of a sudden? I also rely on my instincts and intuition can be helpful also but that is why communication is so important

I wonder how it would have turned out if I would have been jealous and or overbearing.

Another time with another girl same thing happens but this time I didn’t trust her because she had been acting strange.
“taking a wrong turn and getting lost” (for real) “working late” etc. etc. I didn’t flip out on her but started paying closer attention (could be that’s what she wanted…) to her. Asking to use her phone or wanting to with her to her mom’s or friends or where ever. She acted suspicious through it all we eventually broke up and yes she had a new fellow.

I was pretty young at that time and have sense gained some confidence, some self love, and I’m not insecure so no jealousy. Jealousy is toxic.

That’s two of my stories bro. I can only hope it might help in some way.

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I feel like that’s right and I wonder if there will be folk who disagree.

Not to disparage your personal problems @TorturedZen but I think this might turn out to be quite fascinating and perhaps educational too.

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If one was just asking out of nosiness then I would refuse. I have nothing to hide but for myself I just don’t like open nosiness. I understand curiosity but think there should be respectful boundaries.

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Strictly speaking for myself, trust is a big deal and has to start from the word go. My phone, computer whatever is available to anyone in my household at any time. Nobody has ever asked to see them nor have I ever asked to see theirs. Distrust, IMO, derails relationships faster than anything I can think of. It sets things in motion that sometimes you can’t recover from. Been there and lost the t-shirt I got there in the divorce.

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Basically…yes.

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I crossed that boundary once. Don’t ever clean out or look in a wife’s purse. That’s a big NO in my house. Even if it’s where she carries my wallet. Nope. :woman_shrugging:

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Ok, here’s the whole kit and kaboodle.
My wife was unfaithful and broke her vows right after Christmas. She hooked up with someone from her past who happened to find her on that Linked-In site. She met up with him on 2 different occasions.

Between then and now I have been pretty much devastated and began seeing a therapist, on my own in the hopes of getting a better handle on this. And wanna know something ironic? My wife is a therapist herself!!

Last night I asked her if she was still talking with this guy. She denied any further communication with him. So I said OK and asked to see her phone. I was suspicious and had enough reason to make the request. Not surprisingly she refused.
Well after going around a few times talking about trust and such in a marriage she agreed to let me see it.

But before she handed it over she took a minute to delete some messages. I asked her why - she replied they were msgs between that guy. and her. So now I’m realizing that she had just lied to me again.

She left for work so I guess I have plenty of time to figure out my next course of action (after I’m done crying which I can’t stop) To answer my own question “How did it feel?” I feels like I’ve been severely kicked in the stomach. :cry:

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@Lostmarbles I can totally empathize with you and I’m sorry it did turn out for the better!

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Damn brother, I feel your pain. I really really do. I was in a similar situation 18 years ago and it was a tough hill to climb. I’m so sorry you’re in pain. I don’t know what your thoughts are on what you want to see happen, but I think talking to a therapist is a very good start. When I think back on my experience, I wish I would have done that instead of the stupid shit I did do. Maybe you can fix the relationship, maybe you can’t. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and we just don’t know how things will play out. What I do believe, is that you have to take care of yourself and get your balance. You can’t fix anything else, until that happens first. I hope for the best and know that if you need to rant, rave, whatever, I’ve got big ears. Seriously, I do have big ears.

EDIT: Kicked in the stomach is an excellent way of putting it. I’m feeling ghost pains of it now.

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Ive had situations like this in the past…My GF ive been with for 7 maybe 8 years but when I met her she was early in recovery …I never asked to see her phone but i would walk in and say Who you texting ?? Just wondering no other reason but her reaction made me wonder…Come to find out it was her Sister who was part of her relapse and her sister was supplying the drugs. I forgive but I know how she reacts when she is guilty of anything …I will say there are 2 things I won’t forgive that cheating and and more relapses… Cheating to me is very simple if someone is texting and carrying in with opposite sex its cheating especially if its someone i dont know , i never have in my life bought the bullshit excuses ive hears from other situations …Cheat no forgiveness at all …Relapse No forgiveness either the he’ll the first time was toi much and since we have a child together now that should be more important than any drug …Sorry for the rant @TorturedZen i would think the worst in that situation and my relationship would be over because Trust would be broken

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oh im sorry brother I just posted my answer then read this … Everyone is wired different and every situation is different unfortunately for me I cannot forgive something like that … whatever you choose remeber it has to be definite so if you forgive you have to let it go or it will keep the fighting going

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Yeah, broken trust is a hard one to get over. I’ve seen similar situations twice where couples have managed to fix the relationship and both of those couples have been happily together for over 25 years after the event(s). It wasn’t doable for me, but they proved that it can be done as long as both parties work to make it happen.

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Very true …These situations are the hardest . TorturedZen I am so sorry

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I’m so very sorry that you are having to go through this @TorturedZen .
In my book both respect and trust are earned, and once they are broken, it is end of game for me.
Of course everyone’s journey is different, and I can only hope that yours has an outcome that is acceptable to you, and one you can live with.
All the best.

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Wow, I feel for ya TZ, as I’ve been there myself when my Ex met a French Model on-line (that turned out to be a scumbag with no front teeth, already married, but separated and living in his mothers basement) anyways to make a long story short it didn’t end well (for her) I hope you get through this better :ok_hand: and seeking help of a therapist and that of Your Friends definitely helps :hugs:

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