Same here! I don’t give a rat’s ass about what she’s got going on in her phone on her time… I got nothing to worry about, so it doesn’t matter… but if I it come to me getting it to have a look & she deleted messages like tht b4 handing it to me, I would ask her a/b it & probably feel some type of way…
Very sorry to hear TZ.
I went through that 16 years ago with my wife of 10 years. The feeling of betrayal is a hard pill to swallow. She continued acting suspicious and secretive and completely lost my trust. We divorced not long after.
I feel for you brother. being put in a position to doubt your spouse is a terrible situation. I hope you can work it out.
So sorry this is happening. Trust can take a long time to gain, but can be lost in a heartbeat. What happens after that can determine if trust is gained again or lost forever. Glad you are seeing a therapist, and hopefully you have some friends who are supportive. Something like this takes time to heal, and the right people can help with that healing. Going it alone usually doesn’t work.
Sending you supportive and healing thoughts.
Emotional torture is what it amounts to, only made possible by a woman’s disregard for the fact her other half has allowed himself to be exposed to her like nobody else.
(I know men are capable of the same disregard but in this instance it’s a woman so just retract your feminist claws and stop staring at me like that thr rest of you)
It’s taken me almost two years now to pretty much get over the last woman I was with and the only woman I’ve ever known who played men like puppets: I thought bitches like that only existed in Hollywood movies.
Four years I spent chasing her while she made endless demands and no matter how many times I’d jump through her stupid hoops - like a dog doing tricks for a treat - she’d just give me more hoops to jump through while trickle-feeding me just enough warmth/affection/“love” to make sure I stayed … whatever I dunno why I didn’t stop sooner, but the more hard to get she played, the harder I went to get the bitch.
I don’t even know what it was about her - but she was the first woman in 40 years I’d ever wanted enough to act that way and it took quite a while to accept she was just fucking draining me flat: always demanding 200% from me for the 10% she was giving.
Then I just - stopped.
Stopped bothering and I haven’t wanted to engage another woman since - having seen what being that open to someone can do to you.
Eight relationships before that I had women who were nice, lovely, caring and honest so I had no idea there could actually be a woman who would string someone along for her own amusement.
If I could WILL her head to explode it would’ve happened, but having already wasted years of my life I wasn’t even going to entertain the idea of jail time just to get her alone with my hands around her throat.
Sure did fantasize about it a lot though: being there when she got home at lunch; hanging in the laundry until she’d got out her car; listening to her steps crunching the ground as she got closer; launching at her just as she’d made enough noise opening the back door for me to sneak up behind while her hands were full of shopping bags - pinning her to the wall and squeezing her throat harder and harder - watching her face get more and more red, then purple while avoiding her legs, arms and claws…
Only take a few minutes for her to be so brain damaged she wouldn’t know her own fuckin name…
It’s not the fact we broke up: it’s the fact she never intended to do anything but fuck me around.
What was my point?
Oh right: though this isn’t quite the same as your situation @TorturedZen, since I never married her (didn’t stop her taking two diamond rings though - one of which was an engagement ring and the bitch actually smirked at me as she took it out my hand), it’s still the same in terms of pain caused by someone you’ve allowed yourself to be open to.
Constantly in your head like acid eating away at you, and that feeling a huge chunk of your heart has just been hacked out and ground in the dirt.
Ultimately, if your wife knows how much pain she’s caused and is genuinely wanting to make it up to you or help repair the damage she has caused then you’ve at least got something genuine to work with there, so get on with fixing it.
If she doesn’t acknowledge the knife she’s shoved in your back and the way she’s devastated you or isn’t interested in doing anything she needs to get trust back and start repairing the damage, then you’ve gotta just harden up towards the bitch because falling apart in front of someone who doesn’t care will make you feel like a soft-cock loooong after she’s gone - don’t let her do that to you.
Basically, if she does care about fixing it you’ve gotta put it behind you, while if she doesn’t care then you go ice-king on her and draw a line in the sand so she doesn’t get any more outta you.
I am still able to out tears very quickly if I let myself think about that last ex so I’m very fresh to that kind of emotional and mental agony, but over two years I’ve had to train my brain to shove all the nice, soppy thoughts to the background and replace them with ALL the negative thoughts I could find.
Last six months I’ve not had to rely on that method of thinking so much because I genuinely don’t care much anymore, but there’s always the dreams - the only dreams that make me wake suddenly and feel instantly miserable.
I know I’ll ever allow myself to be that exposed to anyone again, which is another reason to hate her since I’ve always been an open book until that.
Love fucking sucks when it goes wrong.
So yeah if she realizes how much hurt she’s caused and feels horrible about it that’s GOOD: don’t push so much that she flips the other way and try not to let the atmosphere get too tense - TRY and act the OPPOSITE to how you feel and lighten the dynamic.
It’s funny too: all the hard-left politically correct masses talk a while lot of bullshit about “being secure with yourself” and a heap of other hippie garbage, but chanting slogans doesn’t change millions of years of human evolution: we evolved to bond so strongly to our mates on a biological level for survival purposes back when we were living in caves.
Society thinks it can re-write those evolutionary rules just by saying you shouldn’t feel this way or that, but that’s just horseshit: emotions are like cats - you can hate them all you like but you can’t control the fuckers and anyone claims they can isn’t experiencing emotions potent enough to bother mentioning anyway.
In the meantime @TorturedZen: difficult as it might be, the fact she’s still around means it’s not all over so at least you’ve still got the option to either continue or not.
Been through it more than once.
I’m not gonna flower it up.
Once they cheat they’ve already been gone for some time.
I’d start getting your affairs in order and stop sharing money, she’s gonna try to get all your stuff and probably will if you’re heartbroken and sad.
Try not to turn to drugs and booze for releif, makes the problem much worse.
Try to stay sane enough to not ruin your credit and lose your house.
@TorturedZen, luckily I’ve not had to deal with that situation, despite being “burned” more than a few times. A brother in need, is a brother indeed. I am sorry that you’re having to deal with this.
I remember a facebook meme I saw ages ago that seemed just so annoyingly true:
Hurt a man and he won’t be in a relationship for years. Hurt a woman she’ll be in love again three months later.
Seems to have been my experience; shitty as it is.
I haven’t had that happen, and mainly because I have to do everything for my husband when it comes to his cellphone. He’s not a phone kind of guy. If he was hiding crap from me? Yeah I’d flip my lid.
I don’t know if that’s fair to say. I’ve seen just as many examples of that with the genders switched around.
Personally, I used to carry my pain around for a long time but I learned that you can’t change the past and if you’re having troubles with it, it’s best to figure out how to get over it so you’re not lugging that baggage around. Yeah, easier said than done, but I’ve found it to be true.
@TorturedZen I’m sorry to hear your going through this. As with many of us, I can relate. As to the title question, “how did it feel”? It is truly undescribable overall, even though I can say hurt, betrayed, anger, rage, hate, vengeful, sad, blame(on all parties involved, including yourself), insecure, doubt, shame, disbelief, remorse, rejection, inadequacy, confusion, withdrawal,…
I cannot provide any specific advise. The good folks here have already shared some great advice, sympathetic word, and wisdom. However, no matter what any of us say this is one of life’s major “forks in the road”, and you are in the driver’s seat and it is you that has to process this and decided what is next.
Fortunately, unlike my driving analogy, you have time to process things. Take your time as no clear decisions are made on pure emotions(Joe Kenda). It is probably a good thing you have put yourself out here with your DIY family and friends. Sometimes the only way to release some of the internal build up is to talk it, write it, and give yourself time and the attention you deserve. I second seeking therapy as a productive way to handle it. Don’t let yourself fall into the unproductive ways as that is not handling it, it’s hiding from it and that can destroy you or any chance you have to bounce back. Harming or killing someone won’t make it go away, or make it better, It will hurt you and it’s something you can never take back.
Listen to music. It’s a reminder that we all go through similar shit. It also reminds me of the amazing things people are capable of. Well written lyrics, years of learning and instrument, how several people can come together and achieve something despite the differences and the hardships.
My father used to use sayings a lot. I never knew how much I would get from them.
“The grass is always greener on the other side”
“A bird in hand is worth two in the bush”
“Choose your battles”
“There is a flip side to every coin”
“Sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees”
“Don’t eat more than you can chew”
“Look out for number one”
“If your going to do something stupid make damn sure it’s worth it; there will be consequences”
“Haste makes waste”
Sorry I wrote so much, probably to much. I guess I could have kept it short and to the point.
Love yourself, use you brains not your emotions, drive the car; don’t let it drive you. Time is on your side (Rolling Stones). Take care of yourself self, things can get worked out or handled. Don’t do anything stupid.
Oh, I have to add this saying my good friend always says.
“There is just no way that a truly beautiful woman can be put on this earth for only one man”
Very sorry to hear of your situation TZ.
I would not wish it on anyone.
I’m glad you are seeking help
To anyone still following the drama…I have reached a point where I am able to forgive but I also will never forget. Wife and I have too much history and much to loose if a divorce were to proceed.
After several lengthy talks I’ve decided to give it one chance and the road to redemption will be long and all uphill. Call me foolish but I do love her and she knows she fucked up majorly. Things here will be different here so it’s just a matter of letting the process of healing begin. And if that doesn’t quite work then, we’ll at least I can say from my heart that I tried!
I normally avoid people drama such as this like the plague but I thank you… every one of you… for your comments and offers of help. I don’t remember who said it but it seems fitting here…“This too shall pass”.
Also I just wanted to add that I really wanted to respond to your comments individually but it would take me into next week to write it all. lol
Hoping for the best brother. Best of luck and well wishes to you both!
You aren’t foolish at all.
I can only wish you everything of the best.
Only YOU can decide what’s right. If that’s what you have decided, then congratulations on at least getting to this point TZ.
Every day above ground is a blessing, sucking air, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
Thank you brother!
Thank you @Tworrs !
To me, that is a biggie.
Much easier said than done when you really want the woman and know there’s only ever going to be one of that person - ever.
Easy as changing socks if you don’t.
I’ve spent most my life simply changing socks.