Hey babe, come meet me in the shadow. 
True story. My boss, a contractor, knew a plumber who had a sign on his truck:
ONE MAN’S SHIT IS ANOTHER MAN’S BUTTER
Ever see the Roger Conant statue in Salem (at that particular angle?)
What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
I hired a handyman to do some work around my house while I was gone for the day. I gave him a list of 6 things I needed done.
When I returned he only checked off numbers 1, 3, and 5….
Turns out he only does odd jobs 
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. She was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share her story.
After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director.
The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained . . . (wait for it) . . . “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”
I really messed up last night, instead of my Liquid Viagra I swallowed a whole bottle of White-Out… woke up with a massive correction!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.